Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Really Hard Day

This is not a fluffy, happy post, so consider yourself warned.

Today I went shopping - alone. While I love my guy more than anything, I will admit when I have serious shopping to do, going it alone is a treat. My goal today was to find outfits for an upcoming wedding. I wear scrubs every day and cargo pants/T-shirts on the weekend. Esen is growing too fast and is too down and dirty to really have a "dress" wardrobe. Shopping for clothes is hard for me to begin with - I'm tall and not exactly svelte and I HATE to spend money on clothes. Scrounging through clearance racks of three stores I managed to put together a reasonable outfit for myself (for only $19 mind you-a savings of just over $60), so that was a small victory. Trying to find clothes for a rapidly growing, tall but very slim 3 yr old boy is tough, too. As I wandered through the infant/toddler sections I found it really hard to hold back the tears. There were racks upon racks of beautiful, cute little dresses that I should've been looking through for K. She was supposed to be home. She was supposed to come to this wedding with us, to this afternoon's birthday party with us, on vacation in August with us. She will not be with us. She continues to languish in an orphanage. She continues to grow older not knowing how it feels to be loved. She continues to change - physically - not receiving the medical care she desperately needs.

We had a conference call this week that brought more frustrating news. Adoptions will probably not be back on the agenda until after the elections in July. If anyone has followed the recent political turmoil I don't have to tell you what this means. For those who haven't, it means July will come and with it more excuses. If a new president is elected, who knows what the future will hold for our children. If the current president stays in office, there will likely be more political unrest halting the processing of our adoptions indefinitely.

We continue to be told that our cases WILL be processed, it's just a matter of WHEN. After all of the lies and excuses, I'm finding it pretty difficult to believe that statement to be true. Why would they lie about everything else, but be truthful about that.

Meanwhile, I go through the motions of each day. I get up, go to work, come home and do it all over again the next day. For the most part, I put on my happy face and hide my hurting heart. I don't know if I will ever bring K home, if I will ever hold her, fall in love with her, show her that she is important and valued. For the first time, I feel really hopeless. I have serious doubts that adoptions are going to continue in Kyrgyzstan this year. I don't know where this journey is taking us, but I do know that I will not give up on K until every last door is slammed shut. I know that we will trudge forward and deal with the daily disappointments. I know it is not over yet. But today, hard as it is for me to admit, I am weak and I am really, really sad.


Tamara's Mommy said...

Hi Shannon,
I just started following your journey a few weeks ago. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. It's so hard when you feel as if you have little if any control over what happens to the children overseas.

I can relate to what you're saying about the political unrest, possible freezes on international adoptions in country, looming law changes. For those how haven't adopted internationally it seems impossible to even think that these things happen.. yet they do. They happen more often then not it seems lately. And yet tens of thousands of children find their way home to the USA every year.

We adopted from The Republic of Georgia last year. A wonderful little country that just weeks after we left was attacked by the Russians. When we found our daughter it was Jan. 08 four months later to the day we were in court in Tbilisi and became a family. The reason I tell you this is ROG was our 7th country with our 7th agency in 3-1/2 years. When we found her we were told "this is going to be hard but if we move we should be able to do it." We needed a country specific HS done and a dossier submitted in 6 weeks. We needed to get all the paperwork, clearances and visas in before the Hague kicked in and before the country reorganized. Adoptions were being shifted from the MOE to the MOH. And to make matters even more exciting we knew the Russians were planning something as they were already positioned at the border when we were traveling. We were very lucky to have had an agency that recognized a window of opportunity be it ever so small and gave us and our daughter a chance. I literally cleared my calendar for the 4 months prior to travel and did everything at warp speed. I'm telling you this as no matter how "hard" or impossible it may seem it really isn't over yet. This is a delay.. a bump in the road. Don't give up... don't let yourself get depressed. You do know depression is not allowed in most of these Seriously it's not.

They say International adoption is not for the faint of heart and I agree. But I can tell you from personal experience you will be amazed at how strong and smart and well.. human you are.. going through this experience. It will make you stronger, kinder and more understanding. I haven't been following the situation in Kyrgyzstan. I'm ashamed to say I don't know very much about their situation at the moment although I'm sure they're struggling as are all the former soviet countries. But I can tell you these people are survivors. They are strong.. yet they struggle to find their way.. but they will eventually.

Please keep the faith Shannon. Do everything in your power to bring your baby home. Things have a way of working out. Chin up.. smile.. some where out there is a little girl counting on Mama to keep it together.

Have a Great Night.. The sun will come out tomorrow.

PS.. where do you shop? $19 for an outfit? Wow! I'm impressed. ;o)

Maria said...

Oh Shannon. I can literally feel your hurt through my computer. I wish I could be there to just hug you! I'm so sorry this is happening. I wish I could do something to make it all better for you and everyone else. Just know I continue to pray for the children, for their families and for those making the decisions.

Kami said...

Thank you for sharing your post and being truthful about how hard this really is! Your post described exactly how I have felt on many days. We want our little boy home more than anything, but life goes on and we keep on living without him in our arms. We try to stay strong, but there are days when you just can't do it anymore and need a moment to consider the very real emotions that come into play- and a very real child waiting thousands of miles away. It's tough..harder than we ever imagined! Shannon, stay strong and keep lifting up your prayers! Love to you!

Paige said...

Love that you are walking your talk and not giving up until every door is slammed shut. I have not been as strong, and at times, badger my husband about alternative plans-- I guess because I know he would never agree to a change unless we had to. But, when I look at our son's picture, I know that God brought us this far for a reason--don't know what that is yet, but I trust Him to provide whatever we need when the time is right. You are a loyal and strong person and I really gained additional strength from this blog.