Raw Honesty and Emotion

I am posting today, with her permission, a letter written by a fellow blogger and Kyrgyz PAP to her agency representative. It is one of the most touching, honest and couragous letters I have read.

Please let me preface this by sharing some of my feelings about it. I am not as eloquent a writer as she, so bear with me.

This process has been, to say the least, one of the most scary and frustrating things I have ever been through. We (PAP's) are reminded every single day by family, friends, government officials and agency representatives that we must remain positive, have faith and trust in the process. I cannot count how many times I have heard "if it's meant to happen, it will - just be patient". Most days, I will agree, but there are many days where I would like to respond with "that's a load of crap". The fact is, we are completely powerless, at the mercy of people we don't know. We have no idea what is going on with these children and that hurts. For those who have children at home, imagine spending 6, 7, 8, and in some cases even 9 months over 6000 miles away from them with no contact and tell me how sad and worried you would be every day. Add to that the stress of not knowing when or if you will ever be reunited. Just because we don't have a piece of paper yet that says they are ours, in our hearts, they are. For most of us, we don't have a large group of loved ones that can possibly understand what we're going through and that is hard, too. That's why I am so incredibly grateful for my virtual family. We are scattered all over the US, but I can always log on and find someone who will "listen", commiserate, and help lift me up. I hope that I have done the same for them.

I have a lot of good days where I am happy and hopeful, but they are often overshadowed by the bad ones. I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking, but as L states in her letter below, this process has at times shaken my faith in God and humanity. Please pay close attention to the last line of the following letter and excuse me for my bad days because I am definitely not in my right mind sometimes.

E's adoption was ridiculously fast and smooth, but K's has not been. I know if and when we bring her home it will all have been worth it, but right now I am hurting along with about 60+ other families stuck in the uncertainty of the current delays.

Without further adieu - the letter that inspired me to have the guts to share this with you:

"...I will continue to worry. I have lost much of my faith in the possibility that any part of this adoption will run smoothly. I am now terrified that the letters will come and ours will all sit on a desk with no one to handle them.I am not placing blame, but it has been just one horrible turn after another. I have come to expect the next catastrophe.I am outraged that the Kyrgyz officials have not had the foresight or compassion to protect the rights of their most vulnerable citizens. But even more, I am incredibly frustrated by our lack of voice in advocating for our children (not biologically, or legally ours but in our minds, hearts and souls, they are) and feeling that no one else can or is willing to move mountains for them like we feel they should. To us it feels the world should stand still until this is fixed!The only thing that could bring relief is to have complete faith that EVERYTHING that can be done - is being done. I do not feel this is the case right now.We live with this frustration and pain 24/7 and it wears down our spirit. The only time I am not feeling sad and helpless is when I am trying to find a means to fight for them, but that is also to no avail. I am not exaggerating to say that losing our baby boy was less painful than this process has been.I know it must be hard and frustrating for you as well. I guess I just need for you to know that you are now dealing with a group of frenzied, heartbroken, parents that are half out of their minds with worry. But I am sure you already know this. I do not think most of us are behaving in our normal manner. It is not my nature to be suspicious and un-trusting. However, I am constantly wondering who is telling a lie, or hiding information in regards to the adoption. I no longer trust my own instincts or gut feelings in this area. It is the most bizarre emotional experience I have ever had. And frankly it has been trying my faith that God is watching over me and my family.So I pray for a happy ending for all. I can't comprehend the depth and breadth of the damage that could be done if this were to fall through for us and the many children waiting. But please, in the meantime, excuse my behavior and my questions and all that must be annoying for all of you dealing with all of us. Truly, we are not in our right minds."