Saturday, February 16, 2008

Adoption News

Hmmm.....I wish there was some. This is a very difficult time for me as there is nothing we can currently do but wait. All those helpless feelings I had little more than a year ago are flooding back to join the already existing anxiety and fear that I feel. Fear that we will not "get in" before our agency's program closes to new applicants. Anxiety about who our child will be. Fear that we will never be able to raise the money we need to bring our baby home. Anxiety about what type of special need our child will have and whether I am really as prepared to handle it as I think I am.

We have notified both of our agencies that we are beginning the process again and for now, that is all we can do. In March, when our social worker visits to complete our final post placement report for E, she will also complete a new homestudy that we will use for LP's adoption. We are stuck right now, unable to file our formal application for the Kyrgyzstan program because that, like everything, costs money - money we just don't have right now. It makes me feel a little hopeless - if we don't even have the money to get started, how on Earth are we ever going to have the money to finish? Our taxes are sitting at the accountant waiting to be done and filed and as soon as we get our refund, we will file that formal application and get the ball rolling.

I shopped today and while I stood in the checkout examining every single (generic) item I purchased, wondering if I got the best deal I possibly could, digging through my coupon sorter to find just another 25 cents off, I looked around and noticed that so many people were buying so much "stuff" - a flat screen TV, name brand shampoo, expensive diapers, "stuff" that I wouldn't have thought twice about buying before and now could not possibly bring myself to indulge in. I'm ashamed to admit that I do envy people at times. Coworkers who take nice vacations, friends who buy the biggest and best new electronic gadgets, strangers who drive nice cars; but then, I go home - to my son and my husband and we sit down over yet another delicious and very inexpensive casserole I've concocted and we talk and laugh and truly enjoy each other. It is then that I am reminded again that it does not matter WHAT we have around us, it matters WHO we have around us. So, I will persevere, I will continue to remind myself that this feeling of helplessness and urgency will be the furthest thing from my mind when we reach our next destination and have our child in our arms.

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