Saturday, February 9, 2008


Someone asked me the other day how it feels to wonder if your child is "out there" somewhere and how we handled waiting to bring E home once we had a name and face to associate to the little person that would become our son. I never really know what to say to things like that, especially to people that I don't have an intimate, personal relationship with. But, the truth is, I think about it every single day. The wait is hard enough, it's so frustrating and so difficult to know that your future and the future of your family hinges upon so many things that you cannot control. But now, having "been there, done that", I am finding it much, much harder than before to maintain any kind of emotional distance. Now that I have experienced the miracle that is adoption, now that I have been completely consumed by love for my son it absolutely breaks my heart to think about him having ever felt lonely, scared, unwanted or unloved. While I know that he probably has no active memory of his life before us, it still hurts to not know what he went through or how he felt. It hurts that I could not be there to hug, kiss and love him for that whole first year of his life. It makes it much harder this time around to know that our child, who quite possibly may already be born could be feeling some of those things. I worry, too, that because LP will have special needs that he or she has been shunned and left very much alone. Logically, I know this is probably not the case because I have been to the orphanage and witnessed the caregivers interact with the children - there is true compassion and love; but, at the same time, there are so many children that their time with each child is cut very short and the resources just are not available to provide extra special care to children that may need it.

Those of us who have kids know what goes into taking care of them and providing for them. Think about every single thing you do in an evening with your child, no matter how small and imagine not doing it. Imagine not knowing if you child had enough to eat or if they are feeling hunger pains. Imagine not knowing if they are wet or cold or sick. Imagine placing your child in a crib and walking away without just one more kiss and hug, one more "I love you". One of the great lessons learned through this process is never take anything for granted. I cherish every single smile and hug I get from little E and long for the day I can experience that with LP.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

must have more cute E pictures.....come on cough 'em up!