Monday, December 13, 2010
M is sick. It all started last week when I sensed that something was awry. She had no neon sign symptoms, but something seemed a little "off." Smile on my face and optimism in my heart, I took her to the pediatrician expecting a simple UTI or an ear infection. I was greeted in the typical manner with "what tests should we do today?" No, she was not being sassy. I LOVE our pediatrician. She not only respects me as a medical professional, but as a mother who KNOWS when something isn't quite right. She also respects the complexity of M's condition, her very difficult course and my uncanny ability to diagnose her at the first sign of trouble. She examined her completely and we ran labs. Everything checked out perfect. My heart sank a little bit as I decided to take her home to watch her. Not because she was seemingly healthy, but because being "off" and having normal lab work often means a more significant problem, i.e., a failing shunt. The next two days she seemed a bit better, but this weekend something (or someone) possessed her. She is C-R-A-B-B-Y! She is crying....A LOT and it is totally unlike her. She is giddy and squealing with delight one minute and is inconsolable the next. She is not, however having any other signs to make me think it is a shunt issue. Yesterday, I imagined I saw an eye tooth poking through - today, I don't see it. She has never cried about getting teeth - or much of anything else for that matter. She has had a cold for the last few days (of course she does, what with surgery scheduled for Wednesday and all). We dropped her Sabril again last Friday and she continues to be more alert. Could it be that she is merely "waking up" from her overmedicated, disorganized brain, seizurey (yes, it IS too a word) state and is just wanting more out of life? In any case, I am at a loss. I am exhausted and losing my patience. It is hard for me to admit that. It's not her I'm angry at, it's the whole damn situation. I'm angry that there are just too many things to guess about. A baby should not have this many possible serious medical complications to rule out. I'm angry that I can't wave a magic wand and fix it - whatever it is. I'm angry that at 17 months old she cannot roll over, sit up, crawl, run around, play with toys that might amuse her or communicate with me to give me any clue as to what's ailing her. I'm angry that her surgery on Wed could be postponed.....AGAIN! Feeling so frustrated makes me even more angry because I know I'm not being the kind of mom I want to be. I know I need to snap out of it. I know she feels my frustration. I know that it's not the end of the world if surgery is postponed. I just want my happy girl back.