Bittersweet

A couple of days ago brought more bad news out of Kyrgyzstan.  I'll give you some history in a Cliff's Notes kind of fashion.  For the past couple of years, the Kyrgyz Government has stated they wanted a bilateral agreement to complete our pending adoptions.  Finally, last fall, the US Govt gave them what they wanted in the form of an MOU (Memo of Understanding).  It sat, and sat, and sat, circulated, and sat some more.  We received word this week that it was rejected.  The Ministry didn't feel the pipeline cases deserved any special consideration and that they should be processed under the Hague when Kyrgyzstan ratifies it.  For those in the adoption world, you well know that it takes and ORGANIZED country YEARS to ratify the Hague.  A country like Kyrgyzstan, well, let's just say I doubt they will ever get it done.  As you can imagine this was a crushing blow to all of the waiting families.  We went from believing we were as close as we've ever been to getting our kiddos home to being told it's probably not going to happen.....period.

Rewind to a few weeks before Christmas.  We reconnected with a friend currently living in Bishkek.  This is an amazing, wonderful woman who makes it her life's work to care for those who cannot care for themselves.  We immediately shipped off a little gift for K.  I sent it Priority Mail Flat Rate - you know the commercial "ships anywhere for one flat rate".  Apparently Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan is not 'anywhere'.  It was $42 for the $11 package and it just arrived this week!  I digress.  Our friend, God Bless her, took the package to K and sent us a few pictures and an email about her.  I'll share just a little bit of what she shared with us.

....there was no contest, her favorite gift was your pictures. She couldn't stop looking, pointing, and speaking to you in her own way. I would say mama, papa and she would say "lala" as she pointed to your pictures. I would say sister, brother, their names, and she would always point and speak, never looking at me, but at your pictures. I honestly believe she knows you are her family.......

So, you see, it makes things harder now.  She is older.  She is aware.  She knows about us.  She understands that we love her.  She does not understand why we won't come and get her.  She is not going to understand when another birthday passes, another Christmas, another New Year.  She will feel abandoned all over again and we did that to her.  Perhaps it would've been better to not send her anything.  Perhaps it would've been better for her not to know.  Now, I feel a mix of joy and guilt.  I am joyful and grateful to have given her this one day of happiness of feeling loved and wanted, but I feel guilty for all of the other feelings that are going to come to her when the days and months pass and we don't show up. 

Today I have hatred in my heart.  It is an ugly feeling and not one I'm proud of.  I can't imagine the how any human being can be so cold and uncompassionate when it comes to innocent, suffering children.  Furthermore, the Kyrgyz have proven time and time again that they don't give a crap about their children.  If they did, they wouldn't be dying in institutions rather than going to loving families.  I think the only thing that keeps me going is that I do believe in Karma.  Perhaps that's just as ugly as the hatred I'm feeling, but right now, at this moment, I take comfort in believing that the people responsible for the continued suffering and deaths of these children will pay for it with their own suffering someday.